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How to safely leave an abusive relationship

How to safely leave an abusive relationship

Leaving an abusive relationship can be quite difficult. Victims of abuse often do not realize that they are being abused or they are led to believe that they are the cause of their own abuse. Once you realize that you are being abused and you are ready to leave, you should do so quickly and carefully to avoid potential escalation and violence that could endanger your life. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, use any and all resources available to you, and get out safely.

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Victim blaming must stop

Victim blaming must stop

Victim blaming culture must stop

Abuse, rape and sexual harassment is not the victims/survivors fault

While it’s good to take responsibility for ones life situation, choices and actions, it should not be put on the victim to be responsible for the abusers actions. The fact that you have been or are being abused is not your fault! The fact that someone you know has been or is being abused is not his or her fault.

Victim-blaming attitudes marginalise the victim/survivor and makes it harder to come forward and report the abuse. If the survivor knows that you or society blames the victim/survivor for the abuse, she/he will not feel safe or comfortable coming forward and talking to you and asking for help.

Victim-blaming attitudes also reinforce what the abuser has been saying all along; that it is the victim’s fault this is happening. Victims of abuse tends to blame themselves…I am still struggling with that… even without the ”help” of society, ”well-meaning people” police, medical personal, lawyers and judges, relatives and friends that insinuate that you somehow are to blame and is to be held responsible.

It is NOT the victim’s fault or responsibility to fix the situation; it is the abuser’s choice.

By engaging in victim-blaming attitudes, society allows the abuser to perpetrate relationship abuse or sexual assault while avoiding accountability for those actions.
In order to stop victim blaming, it is helpful to understand why people do it in the first place.

Why people blame the victim/survivor

One reason people blame a victim/survivor is to distance themselves from an unpleasant occurrence and this gives a false sense that this could not happen to them. By labeling or accusing the victim/survivor, they can the see the victim/survivor as different from themselves. People reassure themselves by thinking, “Because I am not like the victim/survivor, because I do not do that, this would never happen to me.” ”If I would have been in his/her situation, I would have acted differently” We need to help people understand that this is not a helpful reaction.

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Various forms of  verbal / psycological abuse

Various forms of verbal / psycological abuse

Various forms of Verbal/Psychological/Emotional/Mental abuse

Emotional abuse is just as harmful as physical violence, sometimes much worse.

Various forms of verbal abuse

One of the best descriptions, of psychological/mental/verbal/emotional abuse that I have come across, I found on a Swedish site: that are loosely based the concepts on Patricia Ewans book ”The verbally abusive relationship” I have translated it, then added relevant information from other books and sites that talk about the same thing, to make it more complete and understandable, together with some of my own experiences.

The description of various forms of verbal abuse on the Swedish site was the fist description I came across of psychological abuse.
I read each point with a mixed feeling of terror, chock and relief, realizing that every single point was describing my current relationship. It was a huge wake up call for me, a turning point and the start of the biggest and most challenging journey of my life. It was 10 months ago and even though I now am experiencing the absolutely hardest time of my life, I know I did the right thing leaving him and I am just starting my healing journey.

Various forms of verbal abuse. I have used the word he for the abuser and she for the victim, but it can of course also be switched around or in same sex relationships.

I can also recommend to read about different personality disorders in the Abuser Category, as many verbally abusive partners also are affected by a personality disorder like narcissistic personality disorder / NPD, sociopath, bipolar, psychopath etc.

The problems for lot of people in verbally abusive relationships when they start to share their experiences (which takes a lot of courage), is that they are not taken seriously or that their experiences are diminished. When you take out just one or a few incidents, they can all seem pretty harmless and people might get the impression that she/he is exaggerating and making a fuss about something completely normal. That’s why it’s so important to get the bigger picture and to understand that psychological abuse is a strategy, it’s not a few incidents by chance but instead a choking grip on your whole being that tightens with time.

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Music about abuse

Music about abuse

Music was born before mankind to guide us through life.

Music, what a great way to share a message, a feeling and an experience.

Finding the right song (or songs) at a crucial time in your life can help you get in touch with and clarify your feelings, it can help you put words on how you feel and what you have experienced, it can help you heal and channel your sadness, anger and frustration. Finding a song that resonates with you can give you relief and a sense of not being lonely and isolated. At times it can inspire and call for you to take action and at times it can cam you down and confort you.

Below are songs about about all types of abuse: domestic violence, verbal abuse, mental and emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, battering, bullying, sexual abuse and rape, child abuse, incest, victim blaming, witnessing abuse, hurt, shame, guilt, PTSS post traumatic stress syndrome, revenge, leaving, forgiving, healing…and more.

Sometimes it’s easier to share a piece of music than to talk about your own experience…it’s a good way to break the ice and start to DARE TO SHARE.

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