1. Withholding

The abuser does not share his thoughts, feelings, experiences and plans. He behaves cold and distant. He can punish his partner with prolonged silence if he feels she did something wrong. He behaves indifferently and shows little interest in listening to this partner or answering her attempts to engage him in a conversation. The woman may mistakenly believe that the abuser will “open up” if she can find a way to engage him. She may believe that he is shy, a quiet person, absent-minded, etc., while in reality it is about the abuser getting control over this partner by revealing as little as possible about their inner world. He can pretend he did not hear her, or pay attention to other things when she tries to talk to him. He could ignore her for days or weeks at a stretch. If she asks why he did not want to talk to her, he can say, “There’s nothing to talk about. You never listen anyway, you are never interested”, something that contributes to the woman’s confusion and makes her try even more to get him to engage and communicate with her. When he does share anything at all, it is purely factual or functional information of the sort his partner could have looked up on the Internet, read on his Facebook wall or figured out for herself by looking around. Examples of withholding communication that fails to engage the partner include “The car is almost out of gas,” “The keys are on the table,” and “The show is on now.”
In a relationship that is characterised by verbal abuse there is no intimacy, which of course is based on both parties sharing and empathetic listening to each other. A person who withholds information refuses to engage with his partner in a healthy relationship.

4. Verbal abuse disguised as jokes

The abuser ”joking” with his partner at her expense. The jokes often attack her insecurities and wounds and are not funny, but gives the abuser a sense of power and triumph. The jokes may come when the couple is by themselves, but it can also happen in front of other people, which makes the experience even more offensive to the woman. If she says she does not think the joke was funny she can be told that she has no sense of humor, she takes everything too seriously. The abuser may also frighten his partner in different ways and then laugh as if the whole thing was a joke or saying afterwards that he was just joking and criticising the victim for taking it seriously. But on the other hand if the partner took it as a ”joke”, the abuser can later on say ”Well I did warn you, I have already told you what would happen/what I think/what I will do to you/what I did”
The abuser does not take any responsible for the event by, for example, apologising. Instead, he focuses on that the partner “has no sense of humor”. All jokes that hurt are abusive.

6. Accusations and blame

The abuser often accuse his partner for things that go wrong, no matter what actually happened and what caused the incident. He can play on her guilt feelings in different ways. He can project his own anger, annoyance or uncertainty to his partner. If something is lost at home, it is her fault. If the food is burnt it is her fault. If the child falls, it is her fault. If he’s not happy it’s her fault. The abuser may be tireless in his accusations and complaints. The woman can sometimes come to apologise for things that she really did not have any control over or nothing to do with. Sometimes it may be the only way for her to be left in peace.

7. Criticism and condemnation

The abuser criticises, labels and defines the woman regularly. If she protests against his criticism, he can often tell her that he was just trying to help her, or that he just wanted to give a tip to make it easier for her, that she is to sensitive or is getting it wrong. An excessively helpful hand can be masked criticism, because it gives the message that the woman cannot handle things on their own. Criticism can also be expressed while being together with others, which is portrayed in anecdotes that focus on the partner’s shortcomings and mistakes. Statements that are negative and starts with “You’re …” is often judgmental and critical, and hence expression of verbal abuse. “The problem with you is …”, “You’re crazy,” “You do not tolerate a joke,” “You’re never satisfied,” ”You are a looser” ”You are good at nothing” ”You are mentally sick” ”You are to old and fat” ”You never get things right” are all examples of verbal abuse.
Criticism directed at you as a person as well as your personal accomplishments is designed to hurt your self-esteem and break you down.

9. Undermining

Undermining is similar to trivialising but further consists in undermining everything the victim says or suggests, making her question herself and her own opinions and interests. The man who undermine this partner often has already abused her in other ways. Women therefore have a lower self-esteem and are more vulnerable and open to what is happening now. When the abuser undermines his woman’s interest and enthusiasm he dim’s it with various comments. If she wants to pursue lets say a special interest or a course in her spare time, he might say, “What’s the point of it really?”. If she has an idea about something she wants to realise he might say, ”That’s never going to happen”. ”There are other things that are much more important” ”I can’t see how that’s going to add any value to our family” ”Well that’s a stupid thought” ”Haha, for real, you must be joking” He can also sabotage her by actively interrupting her conversations with other people, disturb her repeatedly when she is talking on the phone or otherwise hinder her activities or socialising.

Abusers often fool people OUTSIDE of ther home, because they only abuse INSIDE the home.

12. Forgetting

The verbal abuse and it’s various forms of manipulation is denied by the abuser. He can completely deny that a certain event altogether has happened, or to insinuate that the women is exaggerating. For the partner, it can be very frustrating and confusing, because she actually remember that a particular event has taken place. It can at times be something that just happened yesterday, today or 2 minutes ago and he will bluntly deny that it has ever happened. The abuser may also “forget” to tell the woman, important information for her. He might tell everyone else except his partner about changed plans. We can all forget occasionally, but constantly to “forget” different kind of information is a manipulative means to gain control over the woman. “Forgetfulness” can destroy her in different ways and can make her appear pixilated, irrational and perhaps embarrassing. The abuser’s “forgets” often appears to the couple’s environment to be innocent, random and “no offence”.

14. Giving orders

Some abusers have a habit of giving their partner orders, another means to control her. The abuser assumes the right to decide over his partner, as if she is not her own person, but more an extension of himself or a property or employee. Examples of orders: “Pick that up.” ”Clean that up” “You cannot go out now.” “You cannot wear that.” ”Smile” ”Shut up” ”Go to bed”

15. Denial

The abuser denies that he ever abused his partners verbally, emotionally or physically. He uses the might of crazy-making (see above). He may say that he loves his partner and would never ever be able to hurt her. All of this is denial, because it is abuse and he has injured his partner and what he does is not a sign of love. Examples of denial statement: “You make it all up.” “That has never happened.” “You get upset over nothing.” “You must be crazy.” ”You have seen too many movies, you have too much imagination.” ”You know I love you, I would never hurt you” ”You are inventing things” While the partner knows: She does not make up anything. That it certainly has happened. She is not at all upset over “Nothing”. She’s not crazy.
In time, it may become increasingly difficult for the woman to see the denial for what it is. She takes the man’s picture of her and have a vague feeling that maybe she’s crazy, she might exaggerate, that she might not be telling the truth. The man’s “truth” characterizes the relationship more. The verbal abuser is often cool calm and collected. He seems to be logical and intelligent. The abusers statements of the partner is often given more weight because she thinks that he knows her so well. These circumstances make it difficult for the woman to retain her own perspective and her trust in herself. The abuser may be tireless in feeding the woman with his version of “the truth” about the relationship and the woman.

Trust your intuition. Feel how it feels to you, in your body and what your feelings. Focus on yourself and what you know. Do not think about what the abuser think of, and do not put energy into trying to convince him that things have actually happened. He knows.

When people treat you like they don’t care, believe them.

Sexual Control

The abuser can get us to submit to them sexually by claiming if we don’t have sex with them at least X amount of times per week/month, or precisely in the way that they want, they will be forced to sleep with other people. Non compliance can result in aggression, sarcasm or silencing treatment for days. We may wake up to them on top of us, having sex with us without our consent. This is rape and is most often done when the victim has had too much to drink and passes out or has taken a sleeping aid and isn’t easily awakened. Especially abusers with narcissistic traits are often sex and porn addicts. They may demean us during sex or after, telling us we are whores, sluts, cunts, or force/provoke/convince/black-mail us to behave in degradable manners that we don’t want. Sometimes the victims are so desperate to make sure their partner doesn’t cheat, are afraid of their angry outbursts or silencing treatments, or that they will leave them, that they give in to the abusers sexual demands. At times it is the opposite and they/some withhold sex/intimacy as punishment.

Financial Control

Financial control can be obtained in many ways such as coercing partners to pay for all expenses, including rent, food, and utilities. Or they can even be seemingly generous, when they want, with the things that they feel like being generous with, putting on a show, to be seen as a good generous husband/boyfriend/father. Doing “nice” things for us and later getting angry and telling us we never do anything for them and then they remind us of all the times they did “nice” things for us or went out of their way for us. Accusing us of not appreciating all that they do. Planning/surprising us with a “nice” activity and then calling us ungrateful and saying we wasted their time and money because we are tired or don’t feel well. Accusing us of using them for things, such as a place to stay, a vacation, sex, popularity, security, money, work etc. Asking us to pay for them. Taking money from us. Controlling all the finances. All of these situations set the victim up to feel a sense of obligation to and dependance on the abuser at the same time as it is an other means to control the victim.

Medicine or Treatment Withholding

With elderly, sick or dis-abled people the abuser can deny their partner important medicine, painkillers, nerve-calming medicine or important medical treatment. If the abuser also is the caretaker the abuse could show itself in may different ways, like not helping the partner to go outside, not helping her to get to the toilet in time, leaving her alone for long periods, making the injections or other home-treatments in a painful manner etc. It can be used as a threat or punishment, to control, instill fear and insecurity or as a means of crazy-making/ gaslighting when mixing up medicines or changing the doses

Future Faking

Is when somebody talks about or hints at the future to get what they want in the present. Abusers do this especially after a fight or when they see that we are becoming stronger and not so easily controlled or manipulated. It could be the promise of buying a home that you have dreamt of for a long time, a holiday, moving to another country, that soon he will stop to work so much, claiming he want everything that you want, a child, that you can stay at home and he will work or even smaller things like telling you he will give you a massage or take a walk in the nature, whatever he knows is important to you. Future faking is often done when the victim has almost lost all hope of saving the relationship. The abuser will dangle fragments of hope in the form of a bright and happy future to keep us hanging on. We fall for this because we want to believe in this twisted fairytale and that maybe the narc has finally seen the error of his ways. The talks of the future and niceties last just long enough to get us reinvested in the relationship and then BAM! Your partner is back to being an abusive, pathological psycho. 

Spying and Stalking

With the instinct of a predator, some abusers feel that he owns you, that it is his right to hunt you down and always know what you are doing, where you are, what you are thinking about, whom you are talking with, what you are talking about and what you are buying, this also goes for past and future tense as well. They are always trying to dig up dirt that they can use to frame, blackmail, hurt or humiliate others. They will use any information they can, often distorted, out of proportion or based to create a trustworthy lie, to come between you and the things and people you love. They salivate over a juicy piece of gossip and they get a high from hearing about other peoples mistakes, failures, tragedies, embarrassments and shortcomings. For them it’s all about looking and appearing good instead of actually being good. Stalking, personally following you by car or foot, or appearing in random places without warning, hiring detectives, installing spy-ware in your phone, hacking your computer and reading all your emails and watching all your photos, even before you met, monitoring and recording phone calls, sms conversations, remotely controlling the camera, microphone and recording mood of your cellphone, surveillance cameras at home, sms messages that appear on his phone whenever you buy something with your credit card etc. If you have left him or he is afraid you will leave him or talk about/report the abuse he might black-mail you to put a private sex film or a nude photo online if you don’t stop. Any information about you in his hands is dangerous as he is a strategic chess player at war, a predator after his prey. The more the abuser manage to control your life’s basic needs, like food, money, shelter and security, …and your children if you have any, the safer and more in control he will feel.

Using and Abusing the Children

As a witness

Witnessing can mean SEEING actual incidents of physical/and or sexual abuse and threatening behavior. It can mean HEARING threats, insults, screaming, name calling, degrading comments or fighting noises. Children may also OBSERVE the aftermath of mental or physical abuse such as blood, bruises, tears, torn clothing, and broken items. Finally children may be AWARE of the tension in the home such as their mother’s fear and insecurities around the father.

What are the feelings of children who are exposed to battering?
Children who are exposed to battering become fearful and anxious. They are always on guard, watching and waiting for the next event to occur. They never know what will trigger the abuse, and therefore, they never feel safe. They are always worried for themselves, their mother, and their siblings. They may feel worthless and powerless.

Children who grow up with abuse are expected to keep the family secret, sometimes not even talking to each other about the abuse. Children from abusive homes can look fine to the outside world, but inside they are in terrible pain. Their families are chaotic and crazy. They may blame themselves for the abuse thinking if they had not done or said a particular thing, the abuse would not have occurred. They may also become angry at their siblings or their mother for triggering the abuse. They may feel rage, embarrassment, and humiliation.

Abuse directed at the child
Types of child abuse

• Emotional abuse
• Neglect
• Physical abuse
• Family violence
• Sexual abuse
• Organised sexual abuse

Physical violence

If the man is smashing objects, kick or hit the wall, is holding the woman against her will, locks her in a room, pull on her clothing or body, touches her in a frightening or degrading way, driving scarily fast during a quarrel, threatens to become violent, raises his fist at the woman as if he is on the way to hit her, handling or displaying weapons in from of her, destroying objects the woman cares about, hurting her animal, or abusing their children, throwing things against her or pushing her, he has already made use of physical violence to control her.
All these above acts form part of physical violence. They inflict fear in the partner and is used by the abuser to further control his woman, showing her what he is capable of doing. He may also in different ways prevent her from sleeping at night, as a way to break her down and brainwash her.

If the man so much as hit the woman once the relationship is violent. It will not get better, and will almost certainly happen again. One should not assume that you would be an exceptional case. There are no exceptions. One should be aware that it will happen again, sooner or later. It may be well worth considering the option to leave the relationship, how kind and sweet a man he can be at times. It can be vital to get out of the relationship if physical violence has occurred or there is a threat of physical violence in the picture. Physical violence will increase and become more serious and it will be increasingly more difficult for the women to get out of the relationship with time. Get out in time, don’t become yet another women killed by her partner. Get out in time before you loose your self-esteem, your joy, your personality, your will and mind.